Recently I had one of those experiences where I completely missed the point, where, when everyone shared how meaningful the experience had been to them, I was unable to share anything. I came away feeling like a failure. I had an opportunity to see Christ and to be Christ for others, and instead I was self-absorbed and grouchy.
I’ve thought a lot about how I acted and I realize that part of my problem was my need to be in control. Instead of allowing God to have God’s way, I assumed responsibility and control and made myself (and probably those around me) miserable. The experience has awakened me to how much I still cling to the notion that I hold the reins to my life and that how others view my “performance” is important.
So I’ve been more focused on daily surrender to God, going with the flow of grace and living in joyful obedience. I’ve been much less stressed and much more attune to the way God is at work around me and in me. I am grateful that God took my failure to be a good disciple and turned it into a teaching moment. The humiliation I feel at failing God has caused me to be open to change.
I’ve been reading in Exodus this week. The Israelites missed the point often, yet God continued to be faithful to them. They were self-absorbed and grouchy, but God kept showing them his glory and his power. It reassures me to know that God is steadfast with me, even when I fail in my discipleship.